Dear Editor: Let me begin by saying that if I offend you with my words, please forgive me. My intention is that they land as softly as eagle down.
Because of the media campaign introduced by Sitkans Against Family Violence and the Pathways Coalition, I have been thinking a lot about what it means to “be a man.” And, to be honest, it confuses me. What roles do I occupy? What roles could I take on? How do I show up in my friendships and relationships? Am I authentic? How safe is it to be me?
The “What It Means To Be a Káa (Man)” media campaign has given the community the opportunity to have conversations and respond via QR code found on table tents and flyers around town. Among all the conversations that have occurred, only two people have felt able to answer the question online. I wonder if we men – who are so confident and sure and able to expound on any and every subject – don’t know who we are, what it means to be a man, or, maybe, we feel unsafe answering. Maybe we have never been asked and, therefore, we have never had to think about it.
In my life, it was assumed a man would provide and protect. My life goal, though, was to be a house husband. I wanted to cook, clean and raise children. Growing up as a Gen Xer, that wasn’t what provision or protection looked like for a man. So, I ended up pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I pretended I was stronger than I felt. I pretended to care less than I did. I pretended that I was a version of a man who wasn’t truly me.
When I was growing up, I was given a choice of a couple of emotions I could safely show, chiefly anger and joy. Not fear. Not sorrow. And when I cried in fourth grade, and eighth grade and 12th grade (and all the grades, really), people did NOT know what to do with me. So, mostly, they left me alone.
When I attended Sitka Tells Tales Boys Will Be Boys? storytelling event, there was an opportunity to answer the question, “What are you going to show the next generation it means to be a káa (man)?” and out of the dozens of people, only a handful felt sure enough, safe enough, or something enough to answer. And one of them wasn’t me! So, I’d like to take a minute to answer that question now.
I am going to show the next generation that you are not alone. No matter what emotion you show.
I am going to show the next generation that you are good no matter what your ambition is.
So, I am going to ask you. What does it mean to be a káa (man)? What are you going to show the next generation what it means?
I am a member of the Pathways Coalition Male Engagement Workgroup and we would love to hear your answer. Go to sitkapathways.org/male-allies to input yours.
Phil Burdick, Sitka
